Monday, May 24, 2010

I've been thinking.

I had always been good at acting. My face would shift into any facial expression I could conjure, my voice could quiver with withheld agony and I'd create a dozen new people to take on. I never noticed all that could slip away. Hell, up until recently, I could cry on cue.

Yesterday, I was out with a very good friend of mine on a friend date. All was well, we were merry. It was great seeing him - I hadn't seen him in months. Then the topic of my ex was somehow brought up. That's cool, she's not an alien topic to me. I talk about her all the time between mutual friends.

I told him I had never put my hands under her shirt. He paused and he was like "I did" and I paused but then died laughing. (He meant prior to when she and I were dating). So, I laughed, told him he was wonderful, but and uncomfortable feeling settled inside of me. I felt it all the way home and it kept me up last night while I was in bed.

Why did I care? I dislike her immensely. The fact that I ever wanted her disgusts me. And yet, muted within, I feel that same hollow echo. Not as green as envy, not as red as anger... but brown. I realized that I hadn't felt this way for a long time, not since he told me it would be best if I just stopped thinking about her. Slowly, I began layering myself. It was the only way I couldn't live in a maddening agony every second of my life.

But...

Now I'm this. I can't shift my face, can't quiver my voice. I'm slow to think, my memory has gone to shit. I don't think at all, I just am. I push away all thoughts as if they will be the end of me. I scream my current feelings in all caps but forget about them moments later. Like I have two selves - safe and cold, or lively and agonizing.

Can I really handle being lively at my current state? Sometimes, I feel as though these thoughts are just the mania doing its job. I don't want to wind up worse off than I am.

I will admit something though - I'm mostly afraid of turning warm again because something inside me tells me I will fall back into infatuation with V_ again. Though it makes no sense. She's a bitch, lazy, taking, fair weathered, a liar, self absorbed, selfish... What IS it about her that drew me to her?

Damn damn damndamndamn, as I type this, I feel my self destructive agonizing me clawing at within my chest.

See my predicament? God damn. Like the only way I could get over her is to throw myself at someone else.

Fucking mania. GO AWAYYYY.

Wait, actually.

DON'T GO AWAY. NO, DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASEEE

1 comment:

  1. Well if you haven't guessed by now, my lack of forum's sent me out to help the world at large. At least until I find an adequate replacement for the Asylum.

    In regards to your problem, you've gotta understand love and hate are just positive and negative sides of the same thing: attachment. You don't get over someone by hating them. You get over someone by attacking your attachment to them, by focusing on all the things you felt and realizing they weren't mutual.

    You also need to realize your depressive side is just using this as new material to make you feel like shit. So while you're beating your attachment to death, visit your depressive side with your fists while you're up. >:D

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