Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I can't breathe.

I really have no reason for feeling this way. I was doing fine, amazing even. I just felt the pull... that sudden drop. There was the resistance I know all too well, resistance to fight it. Not this time. Not again. I was finally stable. I went to the psych ward for a reason. I went there so that I could get better. I put myself on meds. I've been taking them every day like a good girl.

My floor is sinking.

For the past two days, I could barely move myself from my bed. I feel like there is something caught within my lungs, something heavy. I had not been thinking of anything depressing, nothing brought this on. I would like to make this clear. Nothing had brought this on.

I suppose that is the case with bipolar, though. It's painful when people judge you for it... blame you for your own instability because of your 'way of thinking.' Obviously, I just am not trying hard enough. I'm living my life incorrectly. I have to find that 'secret' that they are so convinced they have found.

The difference? They do not have bipolar.

Someone who was once very close to me now has this mindset. It's hurtful, even though I am not there and I was not the one who was targeted with these words. My friend tells me that I'm doing something called a downward spiral. She blames herself for bringing up my ex - perhaps if she didn't, I'd rise up in the water like a cork.

I've skipped too many classes in the last few days. I've been getting all As, been following through with all my commitments, and now this.

Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this. I have done nothing. I have done nothing.

I... have to come to terms with the fact that this will never stop. A friend of mine today told me that the meds were my water wings, but I still have to swim to the surface. But it's so hard.

Do I want to live a life where no matter what it is I do, I will always be stuck in an elliptical orbit like a galaxy around a black hole? Is it worth it to survive just to prove that I am strong, which I very well know that I am. Would it be weak to make a logical choice? Not out of pain, but logic. Not cowardice, but a conclussion come to from many calculations.

I have problems with how I always bounce back and forth between private emotions and societal emotions. One really needs to look at both to choose the best of choices, but really, this is how it is.

One day, I will die. We all will die. And one day, very soon actually since we are quite over due, an object, probably an asteroid, will stray from the Kuiper belt and smack into the earth, wiping out all life. What will the point of any impact I make on the earth be? Any of us? Through time, everything will be forgotten. Who will remember anything after the humans are gone?

Maybe there are no 'why's in the world. Maybe we're looking too deep, as we do in poetry. Maybe the answer is right in front of our noses, but if so, I am hypocritical laying here and trying to type it out.

What more is there to say.

I really thought I had finally found stability. But maybe the only way I shall ever find it is to come to terms with the fact that this hell will never stop. And I will never be stable.