Thursday, December 15, 2011

So, I kind of unknowingly fell through.

It has been about 3 months since I last cut (YES!), however I've taken back up another form of SI without knowing it.

I don't know if what I have can technically classify as an Eating Disorder, since it is not as severe as what other people have. See, I'm underweight. I know this, I'm incredibly thin. But when I stop eating, it isn't because I want to lose weight (usually), it is because I can control the fact that I am not eating. Like "LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO! HA HA HA! LOOK, WE JUST WENT FOR *THREE* DAYS WITHOUT EATING! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!" And then when I realize I've become thinner and thinner, it's like "BONUS!" I'm still just nosing the surface of my ideal weight range, so it isn't drastic. but the last time this happened, I dropped 15 pounds.

I'm terrified of not eating, but I'm more terrified of what will happen if I [b]do[/b] eat - I ate a lot yesterday and I immediately wanted it out of me. Realizing what it was that I was even considering, I quickly distracted myself and went to bed. I don't know what to do. I know I'm thin, that isn't even the issue. The issue is that my life is spiraling out of control right now and I feel as though I have nothing to hold onto. But, if I refuse to do this, if I stay strong enough to resist doing what I want to give into, I at least have control of something in my life. And that's more than I would have if I stopped.