Monday, February 21, 2011


For the first time in over six months, I have intentionally injured myself to the point of bleeding.

As an after effect I feel very, very guilty. Like I should have been able to withstand it. I couldn't think straight... couldn't function. Had to go out but I couldn't put up with the thought of being somewhere cold. I tried to talk myself out of it. Tried texting people but either everyone was busy or I couldn't think of who there would be to text. I reasoned that if I just... did this. Did something that had been on my mind for half a year, I would have the energy to function. Go out and run the errands I needed to.

But there wasn't any energy. Instead, there was a mess of blood that got all over my jeans when I went out to ask my neighbor for bandaids. She didn't notice. It just looks like a small unnoticeable stain on denim.

After I patched myself up, I felt tired. I want to sleep now. Can't imagine going out and doing rehearsals. I didn't run the errands I was supposed to run for the rehearsal. I'm unprepared. Not just in that, but in just about everything. I don't have my homework done in a few classes. I missed Acting for the third time in a row today, but I had a doctor's note so I will be excused. I'm failing.

I have no reason to be this way. I refuse to submit to a chemical imbalance but god damn, it just gets hard sometimes. I ruined it. My perfect streak, my perfect six month streak of not cutting. I ruined it. My promises, broken. It's like... no matter how far you've come, you're never really as far as you thought. I'm low. Low low low. I want it to stop. I want to be able to make it stop.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I can't sleep.

Woke up around five this morning.

Nothing in particular kept me awake, but it was like my body was too tired to even sleep. So after an hour or so of trying, I got out of bed and listened to music, checked to see if anyone I knew was online so they could distract me. They never are, not anymore. We've reached that age where to be awake before 8 or 9 AM is early. I remember when 4 o'clock used to be the norm for me. I was thrilled by waking up when it was pitch dark and watching the colours change across the earth. I like them, colours. Just their aspect. I can not imagine living in a world where they did not exist, where I was completely colour blind. I find them to be most beautiful in nature where they're wild, untouched by man. I've sat beside streams for hours, just watching the sun dance off of them like rainbows in each drop against the stones that touched the grass.

It's come to the point where everyone has told me that I need meds. My aunt had been trying to get my dad to put me on meds since I was a child, but he fought her off. I never knew about it. But now, even my father, his entire side of the family, my old therapist. Even my girlfriend who used to hate the very idea wants me on medication. It's hard to tune out the noise when it surrounds you.

I always felt that meds were unnatural. A substance in your body that you're not supposed to have. Like Lithium. I mean, really? What the FUCK? Who decided "You see this? I'm going to stick it into a bipolar girl's body!" Oh wait, that's right. I forgot they were all crazy back then. But I'm wandering off topic.

I spoke to two girls yesterday. The depression is getting worse. I'm not just tired anymore, I'm in pain. My chest, my throat, the air inside of me if that's even POSSIBLE is aching. I feel as though my back is slipping away from the last vertebrae of my spine. I asked them about meds, as they are both bipolar. The first one is actually on Lithium and she swears by it. She also tells me that meds aren't for everyone, but this was the one thing that worked for her. She has bipolar 1. I asked her if she missed the mania and she told me that no, she didn't. That when she was manic, she'd act like an ass hole and say things she didn't mean to say and regret it instantly and I understood where she was coming from.

The second girl has Bipolar 2. She was put on medication and she hated it. She self medicates. Herbs and the like. She shares the same views on medication as I do and it was nice talking to someone who actually understands what I mean. She told me what really saved her was yoga and suggested I try it too. That the Yoga teacher is really nice and would love to have me in her class for free. I told her thank you, and I'd see.

I feel empty. I'm afraid of leaving my room and having people see me, so different from the everyday face they're used to. I don't want to deal with the world right now, with society. It's hard to remember feeling like this when you've been high for so long. I have no reason to feel this way. My life is so much better, so much more eventful than many other people's.

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, or that anyone who wants to talk to me I am uninterested in sharing with. Selective, and the like. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way, a horrible girlfriend. I can only write music now, I don't have the ability to concentrate on homework and relationships. I'm lagging behind in my Theory class which is one of my favourite classes and I skipped Theatre all week. I skipped Bio and I can't make it next week because of the Vagina Monologues - it's a once a week class. It's also my hardest one.

I just want to sleep.

But sleeping never solves anything, does it?

I'm too lazy to eat. I don't feel fat, but I don't feel thin either. Whenever I see people lose weight, it's like something inside of me is triggered and I begin eating less and less. I need to eat. I can argue and say I ate dinner last night, but I need to eat breakfast this morning too or else I'll stop all together.

I feel like an arrogant, clingy, fraud person for some reason. I don't know where I'm going. I mean, I do. Sort of. I've nose dived straight into the classical world of music. I love what it has to offer, the experiences. Not what I want. I just wish someone would fully understand that.

I want to skip all my classes today. I want to go to the piano labs and just write music for hours and hours... But I know that can only be damaging.

But first, I need to eat. So that's what I'll do.