The Findings

Well, what to say?

I suppose I can come straight out with it and state that my diagnosis for Bipolar 2 was incorrect. I do in fact have Bipolar 1, go figure. I had been hoping it wasn't something as drastic as that, but with my luck and in my life, that just can't be possible =/

At least I can look at it this way - Emily Dickinson, Anne Sexton, even Sylvia Plath were all bipolar. Sure one of them was a shut in and two committed suicide, but still. Such creative minds - I can view my inspirations and influences as gifts. Perhaps one day, I shall be as great as them.

Today was a great day. I was in such high moods. I even forced myself to sleep after another episode of waking up in the middle of the night thinking "I'm going to die". Since then, I have been so happy. I thought "It can only get better from here. Sure, I may fall again, but at least I'm still climbing." Only, I'm not sure if I am anymore.

About 10 - 15 minutes ago, I felt... a feeling of dread, kinda like a slight tugging and I was like "Oh shit". I didn't think I would feel this so soon... maybe if I will it away, it will vanish. Perhaps if I will them all away, they will ALL vanish.

Sure.

But it feels that way. It feels so easy. Like that's ALL I need to do. Sweet Circe, if it was that easy, I'm sure no one would be turning to meds. I have to constantly tell myself over and over that I, more than others, am capable of delusions...

Something is telling me that when I wake up, I will have fallen again and I won't be able to pull myself from bed. I hope that isn't the case.

I can't wait to be put on meds. No more highs... no more lows... I can be normal and I'll be able to function...

Alas the day.