Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I can't breathe.

I really have no reason for feeling this way. I was doing fine, amazing even. I just felt the pull... that sudden drop. There was the resistance I know all too well, resistance to fight it. Not this time. Not again. I was finally stable. I went to the psych ward for a reason. I went there so that I could get better. I put myself on meds. I've been taking them every day like a good girl.

My floor is sinking.

For the past two days, I could barely move myself from my bed. I feel like there is something caught within my lungs, something heavy. I had not been thinking of anything depressing, nothing brought this on. I would like to make this clear. Nothing had brought this on.

I suppose that is the case with bipolar, though. It's painful when people judge you for it... blame you for your own instability because of your 'way of thinking.' Obviously, I just am not trying hard enough. I'm living my life incorrectly. I have to find that 'secret' that they are so convinced they have found.

The difference? They do not have bipolar.

Someone who was once very close to me now has this mindset. It's hurtful, even though I am not there and I was not the one who was targeted with these words. My friend tells me that I'm doing something called a downward spiral. She blames herself for bringing up my ex - perhaps if she didn't, I'd rise up in the water like a cork.

I've skipped too many classes in the last few days. I've been getting all As, been following through with all my commitments, and now this.

Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this. I have done nothing. I have done nothing.

I... have to come to terms with the fact that this will never stop. A friend of mine today told me that the meds were my water wings, but I still have to swim to the surface. But it's so hard.

Do I want to live a life where no matter what it is I do, I will always be stuck in an elliptical orbit like a galaxy around a black hole? Is it worth it to survive just to prove that I am strong, which I very well know that I am. Would it be weak to make a logical choice? Not out of pain, but logic. Not cowardice, but a conclussion come to from many calculations.

I have problems with how I always bounce back and forth between private emotions and societal emotions. One really needs to look at both to choose the best of choices, but really, this is how it is.

One day, I will die. We all will die. And one day, very soon actually since we are quite over due, an object, probably an asteroid, will stray from the Kuiper belt and smack into the earth, wiping out all life. What will the point of any impact I make on the earth be? Any of us? Through time, everything will be forgotten. Who will remember anything after the humans are gone?

Maybe there are no 'why's in the world. Maybe we're looking too deep, as we do in poetry. Maybe the answer is right in front of our noses, but if so, I am hypocritical laying here and trying to type it out.

What more is there to say.

I really thought I had finally found stability. But maybe the only way I shall ever find it is to come to terms with the fact that this hell will never stop. And I will never be stable.


  1. Hey - keep your head up. You are a strong individual and this too will pass. The heaviness you feel now is not permanent and you more than anyone know that these negative cycles are followed by positive ones.

    Instability may be a partial product of ones 'way of thinking' but I think it's pretty obvious that our way of thinking is influenced by factors that are sometimes out of our control. Depression can cause us to think/feel in ways that may not be conducive to us feeling 'stable' (i.e., what may seem logical to you now may not seem that way in a couple years of even days from now.) Stability in itself is relative though and it's how you cope with it that matters most. That being said, anyone that says there is some 'secret' to overcoming such things is either delusional or was never really afflicted by the things you are dealing with. It is more than likely NOT the case that you aren't trying hard enough to stay afloat. You can only do what you can do and take comfort in knowing that you are doing your best.

    You're intelligent and creative - use that as a crutch. There are many people out there that are bipolar and able to both manage and live fulfilling lives. I'm not saying that it is easy or belittling your struggle, but I am saying that with time you will learn how best to cope and live with your disorder.

  2. Stability will come with time. Right now stability mostly means not thinking about things that will trigger instability and getting used to not being miserable. It's so easy being depressed. It's like the difference between getting ready to take off a band-aid and the pain after you've done it. The worst part is anticipating it, or just knowing it might be coming.

    Luckily for you, Dr. Caffeine has a home made remedy for you, that you can brew yourself. My only regret is I've never taken the time to figure out the measurements while I am making it.


    You'll need one of those fancy bars of dark chocolate. We're talking 71% cacao or higher. You're also going to need some heavy cream and sugar. Marshmallows are optional.

    1) Boil 1 cup of water on high heat (all the way up).

    2) Throw in 1/3 of the fancy chocolate bar and stir. There will be a lot of stirring, as the fat in chocolate won't mix with the water until you punish it with enough burning death.

    The liquid should turn brown, with some dark spots of chocolate that could not be absorbed. If you don't see dark spots, add more chocolate and stir some more.

    3) Cut the temperature to medium (or whatever your halfway mark is called).

    4) Add heavy cream... probably about 1/2 - 1 cup. You want the liquid to turn a light brown with a hint of pink. It will most likely look white and light brown and dark brown, because these things won't completely mix, and that's okay.

    5) Add sugar until it is semi-sweet. You'll probably need 1/3 cup, but the only way to be sure is tasting with another spoon besides the one you were stirring with. Be extremely careful

    6) Pour yourself a nice cup of homemade hot chocolate.

    7) Wait for it to cool off. It was just boiling a second ago, for fuck's sake.


    9) Christ on a cracker, Kiska, it was like 212 degrees before you poured it. What good did you think blowing on it was gonna do? "Oh well hey, la di da, it's like 211 degrees now so I'll have me a sip!"

    10) OH COME ON! You did NOT just do that again! Why'd you tink anything would be different than it was 30 sec-- NO! The worst wasn't over the first time you burned your tongue! YOU DIDN'T GET MAGIC INSTANT TONGUE CALLOUSES!!!

    11) Son of a bitch! Fine! I'll call 911 for you. Just stop breathing tongue smoke on me.

  3. Oh, and try to limit yourself to one cup. I stupidly drank two tonight, and my stomach is just a smidge pissed off at me. It's called heavy cream because it's heavy.

  4. Now, what would you have done if I replied "But I'm vegan"? ;]

  5. I'm pretty sure if there's a vegan version of hot chocolate (hot carob?) you'd probably sear your mouth on it too. I have enough trouble with hot chocolate. I've burned myself enough that I should know better.

    On a side note, you may want to give this a read, since you've been struggling with depression: http://voraciouseats.com/2010/11/19/a-vegan-no-more/

    It may not apply to you, but if some of it sounds a little too familiar you may want to adjust your diet to at least include eggs.