Hir

I hate the phrase Gender Queer. Hate hate hate hate HATE it. Honestly, who would want to identify with "Gender Queer" unless they were proud? To me, that's like me identifying as a "Homosexual" or a "Queer". I don't identify as any of those things. Just as "me".

I like my breasts. I will admit, they are one of my favourite features on my body. They aren't large, but they aren't small either and when wearing the right bras, I have the (in my opinion) perfect amount of cleavage to go with my figure.

It was hard enough admitting that I was a lesbian. I'm still having trouble accepting it. More so now than ever.

I was that kid who looked in the mirror at age four and thought there was something wrong with me. I'd strip myself of a shirt and go off and play with the boys - I didn't start wearing shirts at all when I was home until my father told me that 12 was much to old to be going around topless when there are men in the house.

To clear this up before hand, no, I am not a transgender. I am not a man. And I have no desire to be one.

I've never fit in my own skin. All my life, I wondered that if I just died, would I be free? I felt like a spirit trapped in a flesh body, punished to be mortal - If I just died, would I finally be happy?

I stopped this thinking a few months ago. It only led me into depression.

When I was younger... I remember believing with all my soul that we were all just spirits and these were the bodies we were given. People weren't genders... they were just people. There was no such thing as gender, only sex.

I started dressing more femininely when I was 15, my clothing was from the girl's isle and I decided to make use of my body and to learn how to be pretty. After joining the VKA, I learned makeup tricks, started researching glamour. When I want to be, I can be the hottest shit around. Isn't that what learning about your body is all about when you're female?

Female.

Yes, I am female. I love my body. It's beautiful and it can preform tricks I don't know if I'll ever be able to comprehend. I am not ashamed of my body.

But being a girl.

I learned a new term last night. I'm on the LLC (Living Learning Community) floor of my campus called the Gender and Sexuality floor. Every monday night, we sit and talk for an hour or so about a topic someone brings up that has to deal with Gender and Sexuality. Last night, it was gender identity.

People would always tell me "It's alright to be comfortable with who you are, Kiska. I don't think of myself and immediately think "girl" either. But don't go thinking too hard." Don't go thinking too hard.

A girl in our discussion group named M brought up the fact that she was Gender Fluid. As soon as she said it, I knew what she meant. To be gender fluid is to feel like identifying with one gender, or any gender at all, is stupid. You're fluid. You flow through things like that.

I feel like the bisexual of genders. You know. You're bisexual, gays hate you, straight people think you'll get over it soon enough and that you're over thinking things.

Over thinking things.

I feel like that's what I must be doing. As if being a lesbian wasn't drastic enough, now I think I'm something that falls under the category of "Gender Queer" as well?

I'm "me", can't I just be content with that?

Why must I always think so hard?

How would people react if they found out?

The one person I told was my best friend, back in HS. I told him that I always felt trapped. Told him that I used to look in the mirror and know something was wrong with me, but never know what it was. This boy was in love with me and I suppose didn't know how to react. He said he would always love me. I know he was slightly put off.

I thought I was the only one who felt this way and chances are, most people don't know that people like me even exist. I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of even accepting this; I feel so gross and disgusting and strange and queer.

I never wanted to be this way.

K once told me that gender doesn't exist. She told me that gender and sexuality were all myths. I'm not sure I quite believe that.

M is bisexual. She is Gender Fluid. By all means, since I don't believe I am a gender, shouldn't I be Pansexual? But I'm only attracted to women. Always have been, probably always will be. I wonder if I'm a hypocrite.

I wonder if gender is real at all, or if there is even a gender known as Gender Fluid.

I feel like I'm thinking too much. Just letting all the dreams where people ask me if I'm really a man get to me.

I once had a dream that I woke up male. I started to cry. The doctors said "What's wrong? Isn't this what you wanted?" No, this isn't what I want. This isn't what I want at all.

Am I just a person who puts too much thought in anything, anything at all?

We read an article last night about a lesbian who came out to her lover as being Gender Fluid. Her girlfriend paused and asked "Are you going to become a man?" The woman replied "No, I'm not." Her girlfriend paused for another minute and said "Uh, no. I am a lesbian, I sleep with women, therefore you are a woman." And ended the conversation.

I put too much thought into anything.

I shouldn't be this way.