I'm so fucking stressed right now and my body refuses to cry.

As of late, I have become self destructive again. I've refrained from most self injury though. I will admit, I slipped up a week or so ago when I couldn't find my razor and I tried to slice my leg open with a sewing pin. But I'm terrified of needles and the feeling was violating if anything, so I only scraped and didn't draw blood. It was reckless anyway - I didn't even sterilize it. I was frantic from the loss of my cutting stash and was willing to do anything, anything to let my skin breathe.

Whenever I get the urge to break anything, I tell myself that those mountains in the distance will be tackled when the time comes. It holds off my stress for a while. And when it returns I tell it the same thing and it goes away once more.

But now I'm at those mountains and there are many cross paths interfering with one another.

1. VKA meet. Veronica still hasn't gotten back to me about the location of the shanghi mermaid - I had to find the time of the performance myself. So many people are relying on me for this. I feel like, if anything, a giant failure. And really, who could I blame? Veronica? She has her own life, I'm not her responsibility. While it is not my fault, I still believe people will think it is.

What's more, I'm terrified about my checking account. I'm low on money. I'm scared something is going to go horribly wrong at VKAmeet and I'll over draft again. I can't afford that. I can't. I think I just won't eat while I'm there. Sides, Dad tells me I'm fat. I can go without a few meals.

2. My dog. I don't live at mom's. Cleo loves me, but I can hardly see him now, as I'm busy at home. Mom's house isn't a good place. It scares him. Mom won't believe me. I feel like a horrible being for falling in love with my dog and bringing him to my place. My mother literally has a killer's instinct. I am worried for Cleo's life. After all, she almost killed her sister once, so why wouldn't she kill my dog.

3. College finances. I'm a vocal major. I won't have the type of job that will just pay off loans and I'm going to be 100K in debt after graduation. God, if only the entire world knew what it was like to always want to hang yourself.

4. Meds. I'm going to be put on them soon. I've heard enough horror stories to know all that can go wrong.

5. I've begun to hate myself. How arrogant I've become. I feel stupid. Uneducated. Disrespectful. Lazy. Pathetic. Pointless.